Published April 11, 2008
Hey guys, this is an updated version of my poem, can the same and other people comment on whether this is better or no.
Thank you and thanks for all the comments that helped make this.
My soul wanders,
Round and round;
Paths of conflicting emotions,
And along roads of deep thought.
It's lost in the misty maze;
That fills my mind.
So many things it experiences, the full spectrum of
All human emotion.
Sometimes it staggers,
Through the woods of confusion,
As if in a daze, it cannot think straight,
Cannot make up it's mind.
But yet it also strolls,
Leaps, dances, now it is now out of the woods,
And now can pass through a brief high that is
The meadows of elation.
It skids down the slippery slopes of lies,
That go on and on, a
Never ending downwards slant that
All the time growing steeper.
However easy it is to walk among,
The meadows of elation,
It is far easier to fall down slopes of lies
It is almost to easy.
Where do all these paths lead?
The question on my souls mind.
Nowhere is the answer,
Round and round, just round and round.
My soul floats up onto so high, and
Descends into the deepest pits of hell,
And that is all a definitive formula,
Summed up in one simple word:
Life
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Yes! The art is perfected! Love it. Don't change anything else.
RG
I really liked the flow and the descriptivness of this. It's awesome!
Hmm, I feel this poem links more ideas than needed. You should concentrate on one or two. Also some of it seems forced. You're metaphors seemed to get more forced as it goes on. How can a rockface be about trust. You also don't go into much of the description it's all ideas. It would be better if for each idea you explained why.
A lot of it doesn't make complete sense if ya get me? It's all ideas but never fully touched on. I agree with Snoink this poem has a lot of potential, it really does. Just consider what to do.
Overall: A pretty good read, but if worked on it could be amazing.
Good luck
VSN
Eh... still has the "Its" vs. "It's". But that's all the constructive crit I can give, I think. The descriptions were beautiful and vivid, I really enjoyed them.
Oh, hey, one more thing. The last line... "roller coaster of life"... That really didn't feel like it flowed with the rest of the stanza, or even the poem. Hope this is helpful! See ya'll round.
Geep! I think you can make this poem awesome!
Right now, you're using descriptions and stuff, telling us about the pathway. The pathway has a misty maze, etc. But! That doesn't really give us a good idea of what is happening. What would be prettier and more poetic, I think, is to make it more specific. When you're walking down the street, you don't think of the path entirely--you think of what you see and what you encounter and the visual/aural/tangible details get stuck in your mind. Which is good. But you don't have any.
At the moment, I think you can make this better by making it digress more and make the images (hot springs, beehives, etc.) more in depth, as far as description.
Good luck!
Your imagery is good here. I really love;
"misty maze", and "meadows of elation."
I think you could cut "it" from the first line, so it's more to the point.
I'd cut cliches like;
"conflicting emotions"
"deep thought."
"Constantly at a crossroads,
Not knowing which way to turn. "
"cloud nine"
and
"roller coaster of life".
From what I've seen here, you're very skilled at imagery so you don't need to resort to tired phrases like these.
I love;
"It skids down the slippery slopes of lies."
You seem to have a talent for descriptions. In order to develop this, try to avoid the phrases which come most easily to mind.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Okay thank you for your help I shall change it in accordance with the suggestions that you have made and re-post the updated version.
Pretty good.
"Its lost in the misty maze; "
Its should be It's.
"Down paths of conflicting emotions,"
In the context that this is written, it seems like Down should be more appropriately Around.
"Swarms of bees that is guilt. "
This just sounds really forced; like you were trying to think of another nature analogy and all you could up with was a beehive. How does a swarm of bees represent guilt? They can represent anger, but guilt? I don't get that.
"But yet it struggles to stay afloat,
In dark pools of darkness. "
You don't need a comma at the end of every line. Having a comma after afloat doesn't make sense.
"The roller coaster of life"
I'd get rid of that roller coaster. The entire time you are talking about your soul, and your soul only. But then this line applies to everyone, and thus brings in an awkwardness. Change it to just "My life."